My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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