I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
