get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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