shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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