now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
