i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
