The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
