He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
