My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
