I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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