If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
