I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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