I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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