The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
