We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
