When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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