I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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