can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You've changed since you got that strap on
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
