You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
