One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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