the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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