How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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