Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
