got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
