i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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