THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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