maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
