I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
