they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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