Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
