I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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