if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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