my phone needs a breathalizer
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am available for nakedness
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize