just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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