Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
