90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
