Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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