Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
