he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i need an iv and a liver transplant
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
