My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
