So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
