Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
