I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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