It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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