Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
