After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
