Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
