Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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