It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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