Already got asked if we're dating
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
