Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
